How to communicate with others
Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection by Charles Duhigg
In the last couple of days I have listened to 2 very interesting podcasts with Charles Duhigg about his latest book Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection.
Based on the aforementioned podcasts and a HBR post, that I found afterwards while investigating more on the author, it seems Charles was able to distill the basic problems that everyone faces while trying to have a meaningful conversation with others (family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and strangers), establish a clear, sound and straightforward framework and also provides quick tips and tactics to use in your daily life to overcome those.
For me personally this is/will be of great value, as I have difficulties to start a meaningful conversation with most of the people I engage with and I do not know well, transforming it in awkward moments and most of the times painful ones, as the conversation seems too shallow and dull, thus my engagement sharply declines throughout it.
“Why boring people have always so much to say…” it is kind of my moto, acknowledging that I’m the most boring of all to others, with my quick disengagement on 90% of the conversation that I have, and it seems I can turn that around!
From the podcast and article aforementioned, I got the following key takeaways:
Prepare before the conversation (if possible) - get to know the person, his interests and personality, or if you are going to an event the common interests that potential attendees might have and that have motivated them to participate.
Ask deep questions during conversation → a question that asks someone to describe their beliefs, values or experiences, instead of direct questions. (e.g. normal question: Where do you live? deep question: What do you like the most about your neighborhood? )
Ask follow-up questions → based on active listening to the answer of your deep questions.
For the deep questions you can use as an inspiration the 36 questions based on Elaine and Arthur Aron study where they try to find if there is practical way to create closeness with strangers (The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings).
The questions are:
Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Would you like to be famous? In what way?
Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
What do you value most in a friendship?
What is your most treasured memory?
What is your most terrible memory?
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
What does friendship mean to you?
What roles do love and affection play in your life?
Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling..."
Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."
If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Still did not bought/read the book but will do so as soon as possible to fully understand to complete rationale of the author and thus take full advantage of the proposed framework and insights.
The 2 podcast I have listened are:
The Secrets of Great Conversation (with Charles Duhigg) EconTalk
126. How to Have Great Conversations People I (Mostly) Admire
Below the HBR article:
and finally the link to the book on Amazon:
'This is not just a riveting read about how to understand others better. It’s also a revealing look at how to be understood.' -ADAM GRANT #1 New York Times bestselling author of Think Again and Hidden Potential
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Who and what are supercommunicators? They're the people who can steer a conversation to a successful conclusion. They are able to talk about difficult topics without giving offence. They know how to make others feel at ease and share what they think. They're brilliant faciliators and decision-guiders. How do they do it?
In this groundbreaking new book, Charles Duhigg unravels the secrets of the supercommunicators to reveal the art – and the science – of successful communication. He unpicks the different types of everyday conversation and pinpoints why some go smoothly while others swiftly fall apart. He reveals the conversational questions and gambits that bring people together. And he shows how even the most tricky of encounters can be turned around. In the process, he shows why a CIA operative was able to win over a reluctant spy, how a member of a jury got his fellow jurors to view an open-and-shut case differently, and what a doctor found they needed to do to engage with a vaccine sceptic.
Above all, he reveals the techniques we can all master to successfully connect with others, however tricky the circumstances. Packed with fascinating case studies and drawing on cutting-edge research, this book will change the way you think about what you say, and how you say it.
Happy readings & listening!